How do we come alongside those who are experiencing crisis or grief? In my bestselling book, What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say, co-authored with Mary Ann Froehlich, we shared these tips.
When I help someone in crisis, do I encourage that person or unintentionally inflict additional pain? How people face a crisis often depends on what kind of support they receive. What not to do is as important as what to do.
- Don’t assume marriage relationships are fine. Two drowning people cannot save each other. In the loss of a child, gently ask how their marriage is holding up. You may help a grieving couple seek appropriate counseling.
- Don’t use clichés. “God must have needed another angel” is unbiblical and reduces God to a needy, selfish deity. It’s better to say, “I’m sorry.”
- Don’t say, “At least your loved one is in a better place.” Saying at least insults grievers by minimizing their pain.
- Don’t forget to listen if someone wants to talk about the loss, but never pressure. Be open for conversation and reminiscing by asking, “How are you?”
- Don’t think it is too late to offer support. Grief can be a lengthy process. Long after others have moved on, you may be the one to encourage someone who is still sad.
- Don’t try to distract the griever by keeping them busy. Unless asked, don’t clean out articles that belonged to the deceased. Grief cannot be avoided; it must be walked through in its own timetable. Two sisters found their newly widowed mother in the garage one night pulling ties from the trash where the girls had thrown them earlier in their efforts to help their mom sort out possessions belonging to their late father. With tears on her cheeks, she said, “You are throwing away my memories.”
- Don’t say, “Call if I can do something.” They won’t. Offer something practical. “I am going to the store. What can I pick up for you?”
Originally published in Homeschooling Today® magazine—Fall 2011. Used by permission.
